What happens at three in the morning when everyone else is asleep? For many new mothers, it’s a time of exhaustion, worry and isolation. Sleep expert Lucy Wolfe spent years listening to women’s stories as part of her career and PhD research and discovered that, despite having more information and support available than ever, many mothers still experience an enormous sense of loneliness.
As her daughter, I’ve spent most of my life hearing Lucy talk about the importance of sleep. What I wasn’t expecting was how moving the stories behind the new podcast that I’m working on with her would be. The Making (and Unmaking) of Mothers After Midnight focuses on the realities of motherhood after dark, giving women a space to share their experiences while reminding listeners that support exists and things do get easier.
In the podcast, Lucy speaks with mums about the realities of life with a young baby, exploring everything from infant sleep to the emotional challenges of motherhood. A recurring theme is the loneliness many women experience during those long nights when support can feel far away. By sharing these stories, the series helps mothers feel seen, heard and less alone.
The same theme emerged repeatedly throughout Lucy’s PhD research, highlighting just how common feelings of isolation can be for new mothers.
One mother featured in the podcast is Emma, a mum of two boys. Emma’s episode was particularly emotional. When her son Éanna was only three days old he began to experience symptoms of reflux. Emma described how she couldn’t even look at photos of him as a newborn, because of how uncomfortable he was. She was juggling sleeplessness and helplessness while caring for her new baby. As well as engaging three sleep practitioners, Emma used cognitive behavioural therapy to help her through these challenges.
Lucy says one of the key insights from her research was the way sleep and emotional wellbeing continually influence one another.
“The day is shaped by the night before. The night is shaped by anxiety about the next day.”
In another upcoming episode, Nora, a mum of one boy, details the plans she would make during the night. When it was dark outside, and Nora felt alone, she felt she was not suited to being a mother. Nora would make a plan in her head to sign over her parental rights to her own mother. This is something Lucy encounters a lot. Total despair in the night that can only be alleviated by the rising of the sun. Somehow in the middle of the night, darkness seems to amplify the emotions that mothers are experiencing.
“When women experience fragmented sleep it is harder for them to engage in the community and social outings that are available to them. This further deepens the sense of aloneness”
Not only are modern-day mothers going through periods of isolation, their own mothers felt this too. Lucy’s study focused on the emotions this brought up for women as they navigated motherhood. These women described how they felt they were being judged for the choices they made regarding their babies.
One of the most impactful emotions to emerge from the research was what Lucy describes as sleep shame.
“One of the most powerful emotions from the research is what might be called sleep-shame. This is the shame mothers feel when their sleep choices appear to violate someone else’s idea of good mothering.”
Lucy felt a podcast shining a light on these difficulties would help women feel validated and help them to feel supported and uplifted at what for many is such a vulnerable time.
Reflecting on her findings, Lucy says:
“During my PhD research I discovered many contemporary women experience isolation and loneliness. This is despite the fact that this generation, have more resources than ever before, at their fingertips”
In each episode, Lucy listens to a mother’s story and offers support from both a sleep and emotional wellbeing perspective. Drawing on her expertise in infant sleep and relationship mentoring, she helps parents make sense of challenging experiences and navigate some of the most difficult moments of early motherhood.
For many guests this podcast is the first time they have looked back on their mothering experience, with some guessing they had ‘blocked out’ the most difficult moments. Lucy offers guidance to mums with ongoing difficulties, and tools to reframe previous negative memories.
At the heart of the podcast is a desire to help parents feel less alone in what they are experiencing.
“By hearing other’s stories the goal is that these feelings can be diluted. And for parents to know that various levels of supports also exist, and that they don’t have to do this on their own”
Lucy believes many parents suffer in silence, convinced they are the only ones struggling.
“Often when mothers experience sleep problems they feel like they are the only ones and that perhaps they are also doing something wrong”
One of Lucy’s go-to interview questions asks mothers what they wish everybody understood about nighttime mothering. Elaine, a mum of three girls, wanted to reassure parents that the difficult times will come to an end. Similarly, Emma, wanted to remind people that the decisions other families make might not work for you, and you have to prioritise yourself.
Every episode is named by the guest, usually a message of hope for other mothers. These titles include ‘You Will Sleep Again’ and ‘I’ve Come Out The Other Side’. These titles are designed to act as beacons of hope during sleepless nights. And a reminder that these turbulent periods will come to an end.
Lucy tells a story from her own mother, who says that she never felt as lonely when she could see her neighbours’ lights were also on.
This is exactly why Lucy wanted to create a space where different experiences could be shared and understood.
“I enjoy exploring the differing ways in which women have experienced their children’s sleep. By giving voice to such varying stories. I hope that mothers feel less isolated. Feel less pressure, and that there is not just one way and that ultimately things do improve”
On a personal note, hearing all kinds of stories from mothers, some gorgeous, some not so much, I have gained a newfound respect for women undergoing the transformation that is motherhood. It is such a privilege to be trusted with these women’s stories, and to share them with the women who need them most. I find myself always on the lookout for mothers in need, whether it be lifting a buggy up the stairs, or picking up any socks they have lost along the way. I am certainly always ready to lend a hand at bedtime.
If you know somebody with a new baby, I would urge you to check in. Not just with texts, but with actions. Bring some dinners, do some laundry, empty their dishwasher. Try to make them feel supported, and a little less alone.
Listen to The Making (and Unmaking) of Mothers After Midnight here
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