Businesswoman Lizzy Desmond has been at the forefront of Irish makeup artistry for over two decades, beginning her career on the Brown Thomas beauty counters before branching out to become one of Cork’s most sought-after bridal make up artists.
In recent years, she also became a mother, and says that she has learned so much about herself through her son. “Before he came along I was very much a yes person and I just I was always taking every single opportunity that came my way,” she said. “My whole entire life revolved around work and being a people pleaser. “
“When he came along it really like helped me to slow down a little bit and just appreciate the smaller things in life and not constantly having to strive for validation. I have slowed down and it’s such a wonderful, wonderful feeling because I didn’t do that for a very long time.”
The busy beauty expert shared her experiences with “mom-guilt,” the feeling of self-doubt that can creep in for mums who feel pressure from a vast array of sources to be the best mother ever, and feel inadequate compared to others in their parenting. This feeling can come from societal pressures and social media comparisons. It can make completely normal experiences, such as feeling frustrated by your children or not enjoying every single aspect of child rearing, feel like they are “wrong” in some way, leading to guilt.
Lizzy felt small pangs of mom-guilt when she went back to work, but did not deal with it “too much” thanks to the flexibility of her job. She feels incredibly fortunate for that.
“When I became a mum that it didn’t affect my work-life balance too much. It’s almost like the baby just slotted right into my life. I know I do have a massive support system in my husband and my family and I’m really, really lucky to that extent. So when the baby came along, I took my maternity leave and then I had to go back to work.”
While she worked, her husband looked after their son and at times she was able to bring her little one with her to her job. “I didn’t suffer too much mom guilt at the beginning, and it got really busy with work and I had to travel a lot, up in the country doing weddings, and I was in a position where I was able to bring the baby with me because my clients were unbelievably understanding that he was brand new.
“They were like ‘bring him with you; and I so grateful for that, so I wasn’t separated from for long periods of time. My husband used to travel with me when we were abroad and up in the country, and then we managed to mind him between the two of us because we were both self-employed. So when I went to work, I didn’t have that guilt because he was at home with his dad or he was with one of our family members. We would have been absolutely lost without them at the beginning.”
Describing those earlier months as “her first rodeo,” she explained that being able to let go and accept that her son was under excellent care while she had to work away from him was a relief, though it was not always possible to untangle herself from that guilt.
“This is my first rodeo and he’s my first baby, and we assume that they’re going to be pining away after us and they’re gonna be lost without us. And the reality, and I’ve learned this over time, is that once they’re deeply loved and once they are cared for and once all their needs are met, they don’t even realise we’re not even there.”
“So the guilt is definitely on us, we are convinced that the baby is going to miss us, that they are going to wonder where we’re gone, are we ever coming back. And after a while, I discovered that that’s not the case at all. So when I come home from work and I’ve had this guilt, and I have a smiling little baby meeting me at the door of the childminder’s, he’s had the time of his life. I realised ‘wait a second, I don’t need to be guilty because he’s been really well taken care of and he’s such a happy little guy.'”
Lizzy credits social media as being a positive space to feel a sense of community in your parenting, but recognises that there is judgement and comparisons on there that just is not healthy.
“I’m very much going to do it my way and I’m not going to listen to anyone’s unsolicited advice, but you do actually get so much of it online. I am fully aware that it’s my own fault because I do open myself up to criticism because I do post my child online and 90% of the time it’s a beautiful, positive space and people are wonderful but you will have people that will slide into your DMs giving you unsolicited advice that you didn’t ask for and it can be quite upsetting and it can absolutely make you question, am I doing this right?”
“But looking at my son and looking at how well-rounded and happy and thriving he is, I’m like, hang on a second, I am nailing this parenthood thing and I don’t need to listen to some random person that I don’t t even know on Instagram giving me their advice. I did find it hard at the start when people were being so opinionated. But it was private, they were in my direct messages. But I did take it to heart and I was questioning myself, but as you get better at being used to being a parent, it’s like, oh what I’m doing is absolutely fine. But it is in general a really lovely space and other parents are quite supportive, to be fair.”
