Singer Karen Underwood is embarking on a running challenge in February in memory of her beloved son Erbie, who died through suicide in 2012 when he was only 18.
Originally from Chicago, Karen moved to Cork with her husband and children, Christiana and Erbie, in 1997. She stayed here when she and her husband separated and he returned to Chicago in 2002. She lost Erbie ten years later, and the devoted mother remains devastated at the loss of her gorgeous boy, who played basketball for Fr Matthew’s.
“Erbie was very funny, and he was outgoing and introverted at the same time,” she says. “He was so kind and loving to his friends – he was best friends with Daragh Fleming, who has written several books – and he would jump up to do the dishes after dinner. He would tell me things that most sons probably wouldn’t tell their mothers.”
For Karen, doing what she terms “the next best thing” is what helps her to heal and put one foot in front of the other. This means helping others and fundraising for suicide support, and it includes going to schools to talk about mental health and share her experience around grief and bereavement.
“I had so much taken from me, and it’s the only way I’ve been able to cope,” she explains. “Once something like that happens, you can never let go, and the next best thing for me has always been to think of somebody else other than myself.”
While she has done her best to keep going through the sadness, Karen found the grief all-consuming over the past few months. Her mental health was suffering to the extent that she didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to be able to perform in concert, and she realised that she had to do something to help alleviate the sadness.
“Other bereavements and losses always trigger the loss of my son, and I became very consumed in my own grief,” she says. “Even when I wouldn’t allow it, it would just creep up – this feeling that it was never going to get any better, and it’s something that I’m going to have to live with forever.
“It was really painful and it hurt really bad, and I felt that if I sang, people would feel my sadness through my music. And if I’m giving my sadness to them, then I can’t do my job. So I thought, ‘You know what? Go back to your original plan and just do the next best thing.”
For Karen, this means taking part in the Run 56 Miles in February Challenge in support of Pieta and its work to help people impacted by suicide and self harm. She has embarked on what she calls “a bit of a health kick” to build herself up for the challenge. “I decided to take a bit of time for myself and I started moving a bit more and I’m doing quite well,” she says.
After 14 years, Karen has learned that she has to carry the sadness with her, because even in life’s beautiful moments, the sorrow that will never go away is bubbling under the surface.
“When you when you lose someone through suicide, life shifts, and although you can have glorious, happy moments, the grief is tapping you on the shoulder, saying, ‘I’m here when you get back’,” she says. “I’ve had to accept that my primary colors have shifted, and the vivid reds, yellows and blues are now mustards and browns. It’s still colour, but it’s just not the same.”
“Erbie is in every beautiful thing I see,” she adds. “He’s also in every ugly thing I see too, and a part of me thinks, ‘Oh God, he’s not here to see what’s happening in America now’. He’s in every beautiful thing too, and when I was in Switzerland a few weeks ago, I saw him in Lake Lugano. He was there, just not physically.”
After the sadness of the past few months, Karen is beginning to feel more optimistic. Buoyed by the support of her loved ones and friends, she has had to regroup emotionally, and feels that she is now back to being able to function.
“I just opened up the curtains and the sun is out and the sea is beautiful, and I have a few primroses in the garden,” she says. “My saving grace has always been service, and even though this has been very hard, the feeling that I could be of service again gives me some degree of comfort. People are still dying by suicide, and maybe some other mother or sister or somebody who’s had a loss will get some strength because I’m still here, only by the grace of the universe, and doing the next best thing.”
To support Karen in her Run 56 Miles in February Challenge in support of Pieta challenge, please click here: https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/Karen1768348932442
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